The Kumquat and We

He's ALMOST walking/Our Days are Numbered!

2008-01-26T09:16:00.000-05:00

A Retrospective: What John Samuel's been up to these last few months...

2007-09-21T12:56:00.001-04:00

Learning how to sleep in...

Helping with the laundry...

Checking himself out in the mirror...Getting his first bite of rice cereal...

Yum!

It's been four months of no posts...and four months of much growth and change...both for John and his Mamma and Daddy. He's hit so many milestones since then! Rolling over, saying "Mama", sitting by himself, eating his first foods, and now at eight months, he's pulling himself up to a stand in his crib and attempting (though not yet succeeding) to crawl... stay tuned for more pictures of John and his new skills!

At long last

2007-07-24T11:40:00.000-04:00

Has it really been a month and a half since we last posted? It's high time we shared our photo album from our time in the Netherlands. Click on the collage of photos and it will take you to our web album, with albums for our time in Amsterdam, plus visits to Utrecht and Arnhem to see my brother Colin, and my friend Maame.

As you can see our trip was more about seeing people--and about those people seeing John--than about sightseeing. The prettiest pictures we took were in Utrecht, a beautiful medieval university town in the heart of the Netherlands which I hadn't really seen until this trip.

Here's the text from a post I started writing while we were there, but never had a chance to finish:

I'm home...

We've been in Amsterdam two days now. Our last time here was three months before our wedding, also for two weeks. At that time I hadn't been back in 3 years, and that was four years ago. Last time I was taking leave; starting a new life, visiting a city that was a part of my past and valuable to me as nostalgia. I was surprised at how much I felt a stranger and a visitor.

Now, four years later, ten years after I originally left to go to university in Canada, I come with my husband and son for the first time, expecting an even greater distance between the world of my current life and the world of my childhood home city, and find myself completely at home, familiar, at ease.

I'm still not exactly sure why this is, but it is a tremendous thing to be together as a family all together with my brother, my husband, my parents, my son, and all in the apartment, neighbourhood, country I grew up in. It's a first for me on many levels.

We were walking together today on our way to see the old Portuguese Synagogue (founded by Jewish refugees of the Spanish Inquisition) at my brother's recommendation. We went through the hippie market alongside the building where my brother works. That market is where I bought all my clothes in high school.

We also went to the Rijksmuseum (where the Rembrandts and Vermeers are, among others) and had the chance to see a series of paintings connected by the theme of "Mother," all showing scenes of pregnancy, motherhood, domestic life, etc. An appropriate special exhibition for me at this time in my life!

Beyond that we did very little sightseeing in Amsterdam. It was so lovely just to walk around my neighbourhood, go to the market, visit the park where I played as a child , and just sit around in the shade (we took a picture of John on the slide I loved as a little girl), go grocery shopping, buy flowers for my mom on the street corner, take an evening trip to the beach.

It was fabulous.

John traveled remarkably well, although he's changed quite a bit since we came back. More about that in our next post!

To be continued...

The Trip to Amsterdam

2007-06-19T20:56:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, John made his first trip to Amsterdam. There is much to tell but I'm feeling rather jet-lagged. For the time being you will have to satisfy yourselves with a few pictures from the first few days of the trip. I trust you will find them edifying and come back for more in the future.

Here is John napping with dad at Heathrow Airport.

Mom threatening to send John down the slide at Amsterdam's Sarphati Park.
"I can't even walk mom!"

Chillin' in Sarphati Park. Sometimes unflattering pictures are the most real.

The view from the Mellis' apartment in Amsterdam. A beautiful city.

John and Opa. I think they're watching Nadal beat Federer.

He done been dunked!

2007-05-20T18:02:00.001-04:00

"As many as have been baptized into Christ, have put on Christ..."

"The servant of God John Samuel is baptized in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit!"

"Grant unto me a robe of light,
O You who clothe Yourself with light as with a garment,
O Christ our God, plenteous in mercy!"

Overstimulating Baby Toys

2007-05-12T23:19:00.000-04:00

When I was a wee tot, we had fun toys. Wooden blocks, multi-coloured plastic rings (unfortunately made of polyvinylchoride [PVC] I'm sure), animals and various other simple toys kindled our imaginations with their simplicity and unprescriptiveness (is that a word?). I should also mention that those multi-coloured rings of ascending sizes that sit around a pole are most righteously called a"Rock-a-Stack."Anyhow, my toys were relatively simple; undoubtedly more fancy that what my parents had but relatively simple compared to what exists at present. Toys are now "designed," engineered and geared toward the functional and intellectual "development" of children. They are designed to be "stimulating" and build up certain skills important to the developmental progression of an infant or child into whatever standardized developmental stage comes next. A child cannot simply be but most continually move toward what is next. Yes, that's right, even infant toys are insidiously pedagogical in a strangely overstimulating and attention grabbing way. From the moment of birth the gods of telos conspire to marshall the budding intentionality of our youth.

Let me furnish you with an example of what constitutes a modern "toy."

A dear friend of ours bought a toy for our boy John. She came across a toy of meticulous design known as a "Whoozit." As modern psychology and thousands of years of unspoken and unarticulated experience has shown us, babies are powerfully attracted to a few things: faces, dark and light colour constrasts, intricate patterns, crackly sounds and bright lights or shiny objects. The designers of the Whoozit understand this and have designed a toy in a state of constant developmental explosion. BRIGHT COLOURS! BLACK AND WHITE! FACES! CRACKLY SOUNDS! LITTLE BRIGHTLY COLOURED TABS BABIES LIKE TO PULL! COLD TEETHING RING! ALL AT ONCE!

The first time I held the Whoozit I almost had a seizure but instead felt and acted on an uncontrollable urge to put the toy in my mouth.

Maybe I'm not saying so much about the Whoozit as about my own sensitivity to stimulus. However, stimulation through arresting the senses or forcing open the gates of perception is an aggressive and perhaps counterproductive exercise in encouraging our children to develop or mature.

I think about the other kinds of common toys such as PS3, little hand-held electronic games, laptops for toddlers and the like and it all seems like too much powerful stimulation and plastic. A stimulus capable of arresting attention strikes me a bit violent and ultimately counter-productive due to the undeniable fact that humans quickly build tolerance to almost any stimulus and eventually require a more powerful stimulus to achieve the same arresting result. In short, reliance on powerful attention grabbing objects results in decreased attention spans. Why? Because true attention begins from within and radiates out into creativity where as modern toys seize the attention from without and thrust a "precreated" system onto the child, thus diffusing locus of attention into the environment. The internal state of the child is at the mercy of the environment rather than within him or herself.

I like old toys. Boxes full of old clothes and musty smelling hats, shovels, buckets, balls, sticks, trees, pieces of cloth suddenly transformed into monsters from the murky deeps, cushion fortresses and on goes the list.

Some of these new toys are good too, but not too many.

So, I'm old fashioned. A Montessori advocate without even knowing it. A children's toy Luddite.

I like it that way and I hope John does too.

Koninginnedag

2007-05-02T17:27:00.000-04:00

I'm posting this about two days late, but I took it in honour of Queen's Day in the Netherlands, which is every year on April 30th. It is the Queen Mother Juliana's birthday and she started the national holiday on which all stores must remain closed except restaurants, and anyone and everyone can sell anything on the street. Her daughter, her Majesty Queen Beatrix (left) has carried it on and it is now called Queen's day, or Koninginnedag.

In essence it's a country- wide garage sale on the streets (except that most people don't have garages) and in Amsterdam it's a big day, with people staking out prime sidewalk spots at busy intersections overnight in their sleeping bags. Pubs and Cafe's hire bands to play on their terraces under temporary awnings, and people go up and down the canals in their boats with their friends and good beer.

The Dutch flag is flown with orange wimpels everywhere and lost of people wear orange, which is our national colour after the House of Orange, our royal family.

So here's John Samuel, dressed up in orange, in honour of his Queen, because he's soon to become a Dutch citizen--as soon as we get his Canadian papers done, we'll go to the Embassy and get his Dutch ones.

But before that happens he will have already been to visit his other country; we get on a plane to Amsterdam on June 5th, and we'll be there for two weeks visiting his Oma and Opa Mellis and his proud uncle Colin!

my sunshine...

2007-04-23T12:53:00.000-04:00

It's a little cloudy today, but as you can see I have other sources of Light and Radiance. We had our six-week appointment with Diane, or main midwife last week Wednesday, and she pronounced him a "thriving newborn" on this, our last check-up with her. He had grown all of 2 inches (from 22 inches at birth, to a round 24 inches) and now weighs 11 lbs 6 oz. That's quite the gain from his birthweight of 7 lbs 5 oz. He's also lost a lot of the hair he had on his head when he was born. We can't get over how much bigger he is, and that he'll be seven weeks old this Thursday!

This pictures were taken this morning when John and I were hanging out together--I was talking and singing to him, and he was in the best of moods, cooing and smiling, and I saw my chance to capture it for you all to see.

It's been a good day. I enjoy my days in the company of this unique little fellow.

Momma's little boy...

2007-04-05T22:19:00.000-04:00

Father and son

2007-04-04T21:21:00.000-04:00

What a handsome fellow!

2007-04-04T21:14:00.000-04:00

These are from the first week or two...

...he came out with such perfect skin!

6 Word Story:

2007-04-02T20:11:00.000-04:00

Best 6-word story to match this photo wins honourable mention in John Samuel's baby scrapbook!

As per aunties Amy and Jeannette's requests: a family photo from day 1

2007-03-28T16:34:00.000-04:00

A gift.

2007-03-14T12:47:00.000-04:00

A new life named John Samuel has entered the world from the Source of all life, Jesus Christ. And what an awe inspiring event birth is - it is the power of the physicality of love - love emptying itself to bring life into the world.

I would look at Cheryl at the peak of a contraction and feel afraid of how far she was emptying herself to bring John into the world - a holy fear gripped me as I beheld a pure love enduring everything for the sake of another.

And I say this after what the midwives called a relatively short labour for a first child; I can't imagine what a long labour would be like.

_____________________________

I feel as though I am forever indebted to the Mother of our Lord and St. Elizabeth mother of John the Baptist for the health of this child. Monday night, after playing a few rounds of darts, I arrived home at 12:00 am and had to work he next day but I decided to pray the Supplication service to Mary and stay up later than I should have. In the middle of the service is the maginificat and when I read it I simply couldn't control myself. The Mother of God and St. Elizabeth let me know that they was looking out for us.

The next day, the beginning of Cheryl's labour, Cheryl got an email from a friend with simple recording of "O Virgin Pure." We listened to it a number of times during early labour and the song stuck itself in my head.

Labour was progressing very well. 8 centimetres dilated ... fully dilated .... head coming out ... and the heart began to slow down. Little John's heart wasn't recovering as fast as the midwives would like. It should only go down to about 90 bpm and bounce back to 110-120 but his little heart was suddenly down to 6-70. They decided to go ahead and intervene to give the baby a bit more space. The midwives told me to call 911 to play things safe. I called 911 and urgently requested an ambulance.

The 911 operator had to ask me a number of questions about the condition of the baby, what was happening, etc. At this point I was extremely upset and swore at the poor lady and then apologized. After speaking with the operator for a while in the hallway, I reentered the bedroom where Cheryl was labouring. I saw John's head coming out and the midwife pulling him out. The midwives calmly but firmly encouraged Cheryl to push hard for at least 5 seconds at a time. Before John had fully exited the birth canal, the midwife cut the umbilical cord. Then, John came flying out of the womb looking a bit grey and very purple. In the words of Cheryl, "He was purple and larger than life as he flew across the room. He filled the entire room at that moment." Indeed, he did fly across the room. With absolute calmness, the main midwife, Kim, quickly passed John to Val, the second midwife, who suctioned his lungs and airways, gave him oxygen, closely monitored his heart rate, cleaned him and warmed him. During this time I sat beside John talking to him and asking him to breathe. I heard someone saying, "Please God!" in the room. Suddenly John cried and I knew everything was good.

___________________________

Many thanks are due our midwives who - with stillness and focus - delivered John into the world. Kim, the main midwife, radiated stillness during the entire birth.

I will always be grateful to Cheryl for her total giving of herself. I will always praise the Mother of God and St. Elizabeth for their powerful intercession. I will continually thank our Father in heaven for his tender compassion on all he has made.

It's a...

2007-03-08T15:23:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen ....

The first one out of the womb is a .... BOY!

That's right. He's John Samuel Zacharias and he is cute, was born on March 8 at 5:32 am, weighs in at a lean 7 lbs 5 ounces and stands a towering 22 inches.

We appreciate your prayers and we ask you to continue praying for the health of mom and child and the spiritual strengthening of this growing family.

All our love and gratitude for your prayers and gracious gifts.

sincerest love,
John Samuel, Cheryl and Matthew Zacharias

No ordinary Monday/ "The due date is not a deadline"

2007-03-05T21:24:00.000-05:00

So, today's my official due date. No baby yet. I've been surprised at how many people are surprised I haven't had the baby yet...as though the due date is some kind of last day to hand in a paper or something. Ever since I was 37 weeks people seemed to expect the baby to come anytime.

Well here I am, still plodding (or waddling) along looking like an egg with legs and arms! I read that of all the babies who are born 2 weeks late, only 1% show signs of being post-term. So it could still be a little while... My mother and I may still have some days to have some fun together going out and doing stuff when she gets here (tomorrow afternoon). And as I was telling my friend Stacy, now that I'm due I feel less obligated to "get things done" and more free to just chill out and enjoy these last special days of anticipation and pre-parenthood. There's lots of room for inner reflection and inner preparation. And a little nesting.

However, I have begun to feel that things are happening...twinges and aches that were not there before, gradually lasting longer, or intensifying from day to day. Pain that is strangely welcome, as it heralds the approach of the most momentous day of my life. Our dear Deacon Gregory had a dream that my baby was born on the 10th, and was a girl. The thought of that dream makes me happy. It feels like a good omen.

This is a good week. I woke up happy this morning...the way I used to feel as a kid when I woke up on my birthday...the way I felt when I woke up the day after Matthew and I started dating. Honestly, how many Monday mornings have felt that way?

Glory to God!

And good night. Need my pregnant beauty sleep.

39 weeks...and counting!

2007-02-26T09:48:00.000-05:00

Yes, it really is true. There is only one week left till the official due date. Of course it's really up to this baby when he or she will decide to come out and meet us.

People have been asking me if I feel like I "just want to get the baby out" now because of feeling big and encumbered in my movements, etc. But I actually haven't.

Between being a little nervous about labour and birth, having some things left to do, and wanting my baby to be good and ready before he or she comes out, I have actually been more interested in the baby staying IN!

In ancient Hebrew culture, the Jewish faith, and in parts of the Ancient Christian tradition, the number 40 symbolizes fulfillment, completion, when applied to a period of time. The formal length of a pregnancy is 40 weeks. I like this association.

Now as the time of completion draws near, I do find myself longing more and more to hold this baby in my arms, find myself welcoming the increasing discomfort I am beginning to feel as signs that my body is readying itself for the great work of birth that is to come, find myself looking forward to that work, though not without a little healthy trepidation. No rite of passage should be embarked upon lightly I suppose.

Now I'm telling my baby,

Try and stay put until your Oma comes (this Monday), but otherwise, I'm ready when you are!

There is a dear and witty elderly Russian lady in our Church whose name is Vera, and she kisses her hand and touches it to my belly whenever she sees me and her eyes twinkle and she says to the baby "be good!" She is wishing me a good labour. And she's right--a baby being born plays an important role and works very hard in the process of labour and birth. Studies show that babies stretch out their legs to help propel themselves down the birth canal; also they have instincts which cause them to turn their heads at just the right angle as they pass through one part of the pelvis to another so that they can fit perfectly through the funny inner shape of the pelvis. Also it is certain hormones released by the baby which help to trigger a woman's body to go into labour.

It will be a joint effort between the two of us, as we are supported and upheld by Matthew, my mother, the midwives, and the Love and Mercy of God, not to mention the prayers of so many generous people in our church, and beloved friends and family near and far. This baby is not being born into a bleak world without love.

Vera's advice to us with her shower gift was typed with an old-fashioned type-writer on a pink slip of personalized note-paper and read:

The Baby is the Boss.
BUT, this is a SECRET which he should never know, and always assume that YOU are.

We are getting ready to have our lives completely de-centred and re-centred on this new person who will be totally vulnerable and completely dependent on us. Somehow we have been given the privilege and responsibility of protecting and nurturing one of God's treasures... It's an overwhelming thought.

37 weeks...with a cold!

2007-02-13T04:20:00.000-05:00

Today I have exactly 3 weeks left my due date. At 37 weeks babies are considered "done" and are not considered premature if they are born at this point. People say to me: "So, any day now!"

I'm perfectly content for my baby to stay put for another few weeks...there are still some minor things to get ready, some work to wrap up, and I would really like my mother to be here for the birth! She arrives in Canada the day before my due date. I can hardly wait!

I saw my midwife on Friday and she ascertained that the head is 3/4 engaged, and that the baby is sitting in the best possible position--back angled outwards, face towards my spine.

I must say I'm feeling pretty big and heavy--nearly 40 lbs heavier than I was before I was pregnant... I can't imagine losing a huge chunk of that weight in the matter of a day when the baby's born. I'm sure I will feel strangely light.

In the meantime I'm trying to keep up with eating, drinking water, and getting enough sleep and a little exercise--all of which has been compromised these last few days by a bad cold. It seems to have entered my chest a little, which is no fun at all. Fortunately I'm not in the habit of taking medications when I'm sick even when I'm not pregnant, so I don't feel at a total loss to treat myself: Lots of fluids, lots of garlic, and sniffing some tea-tree oil vapours are all supposedly safe and good ways to treat a cold. My only worry is that this will weaken me a bit if I'm going to have the baby soon.

Please pray for me that I'll recover quickly and get my strength back well in time for labour!

More belly!

2007-02-03T21:54:00.000-05:00

Here's how my belly looked last week.
Honestly, it's impossible to keep up.
I'm already even bigger!!!

Just four weeks to go till the due date.

Lord, have mercy!

The Due Date

2007-01-27T20:18:00.000-05:00

Owen's Mama just asked when the official due date is...

It's March 5th, which is coming very very soon. I will be 8 months (35 weeks) pregnant this Monday.

Time flies like CRAZY.

We bought a baby car seat.
We bought newborn-size diapers. When we opened up the package, we found ourselves exclaiming in excited bewildered high-pitched tones together over the tininess of these little diapers, and the corresponding tininess inferred of our little one's bum.

I can feel the baby's bottom at the top of my belly sometimes when the baby is flexing. The head is still down, and dropping well into my pelvis. I know this from my midwife's telling me, and from a firsthand experience of having less heartburn and more room to eat more at a time. What a relief as I get hungrier!

The average baby at this stage is just over 5 lbs, is fully developed (kidneys are all done, fingernails are even in place) and just needs to put on weight. So I'll be eating.

In other news, our laptop is working again, plus we have invested in a new computer which should be arriving this week. This will mean being able to post our own pictures from our brand new digital camera which Matthew's parents gave us for christmas on our own computer... more belly pictures coming this way in the near future! Hopefully this will also facilitate getting pictures of the little kumquat out to all of you shortly after birth...

We are so excited!

We've been attending prenatal classes every Thursday evening at the local community centre five minutes from our place. I found out through the class about a massage therapy school that gives free prenatal massages to pregnant women in their third trimester! Needless to say I called and made an appointment right away!

The ladies from our church are having a shower for me next Saturday. It is so moving and humbling during the litanies in Church when Father John reads down the list of commemorations and comes to our names: "Matthew and Cheryl and the child to be born of her..." and to see so many people throughout the church making the sign of the cross spontaneously as they join their prayers together for us.

What a gift to have so much support. Thanks be to God!

BELLY PICTURES!

2006-12-29T23:34:00.000-05:00

I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant now, definitely in the third trimester and have less than 2 months left till my due date.

Here are some fairly outdated pictures of my expanding belly (I'm much bigger now)...for those of you who haven't seen my belly at all...
I won't go into how impossible it has been to get pictures of my belly made available to you all.

The little amnionaut seems to be doing well: hiccuping frequently, developing an interesting relationship with my ribs, and (according to my midwife) settling into an ideal position in my womb with the head down, "just beginning to dip into my pelvis."

Yes, I waddle now. I'm hungry all the time. Swimming and pre-natal yoga are keeping me limber, relaxed, somewhat fit, and somewhat peaceful. I'm getting a little more scared, and a little more happy and excited to be a mother. I can't believe how soon it's coming...

And guess what? My baby will be Dutch! Since I am a Dutch citizen, my baby also will be able to have Dutch as well as Canadian citizenship. My happy discovery of the week.

Only three months left!

2006-12-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

I'm at 27 weeks now--roughly six months. I have exactly three months left from today, December 5th, to my due date, March 5th.

I can hardly believe it.

Yesterday I arrived from Halifax where I spent 4 days with my dear friend Shannon. She is very special to me and I had been planning to visit her before I knew I would be having a baby. When we discovered we were expecting I thought this would be a good opportunity to have one last solo journey and some special time with my dear friend before visits like that get more complicated for a number of years!

It was indeed a special time. While I was away I called Matthew regularly--I missed him a lot even though I was having a wonderful time. At the end of each conversation I would hold the ear piece of the phone to my belly so he could talk to our baby and the baby could hear his voice as usual. The first time I did that it was only about 30 seconds before the baby vigorously kicked me, exactly, and I mean exactly, where I had the ear piece pressed against my abdomen.

I am convinced that the baby is familiar with Matthew's voice and responds to it. It was an exciting moment for both of us, and for Shannon and her friends that were in the room with me.

I arrived home from Halifax yesterday to find that my book order from Amazon had arrived. Like a treat on top of a treat!

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin,

Your Baby and Child from Birth to Age Five by Penelope Leach, and

The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice Von Hildebrand.

The first is about labour and birth, the second about infant development and care, and the third is a more spiritual, theological reflection on this time in a woman's life. I'm excited to read them all! In fact, I've already read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and I found it so good I decided I want to own it. Reading her thoughts and collection of birth stories in the months leading up to my own labour and birth will be so encouraging and empowering. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in trying natural birth. It is so wonderful to read encouraging words (based in observed facts!) about the amazing things a woman's body is capable of on its own, without some of the interventions modern medicine has assumed to be necessary for the last 60 years.

I think the baby enjoyed our holiday to Halifax too. Perhaps I was more relaxed than usual because I was away from responsibilities and stresses, but it felt as thought the baby was moving more frequently and vigorously than ever! Shannon is a Don at King's College at Dalhousie and is involved in the college chapel, as well as singing in the choir at St. George's Anglican Church in Halifax. I attended a number of choral concerts while I was with Shannon--all of them traditional and sacred works from the Advent and Christmas seasons--and the baby moved around a lot during those concerts. A budding music appreciator?

And perhaps the baby is just having another growth spurt. Matthew could see a difference in the shape and size of my belly when I returned--even after just four days.

I'm becoming more and more eager to meet this little one and hold them in my arms, as the reality also sinks in more and more and I am filled with a little bit of holy dread...our life is going to change in ways we can barely anticipate or fathom...

Glory to God in all things!

Five months...and I just keep stretching...

2006-11-08T21:23:00.000-05:00

Just in the last two weeks I find myself talking to our child more and more... Especially when I can feel movement--or as Matthew calls it-- "wombvement," I find myself responding, "hello baby!"

"What are you doing in there?"

Matthew just read that the bones of the inner ear have hardened by now and the baby is now able to hear a lot more sounds from outside the womb.

It's crazy to think that our voices will be familiar to the baby, that we each experienced that same familiarity when we heard the voice of our mother or father moments after birth. And yet we have no memories from inside the womb.

"I hope you're having fun in there..."

"I sure can't wait to meet you"

There is a clear sense that we are giving something to our baby in speaking loving words, being around music, applying pressure to my abdomen in response to the little kicks and jabs that feels so much like a converstaion... Whatever we do we will never know the benefits our child will reap from this time of invisibility--invisible baby, invisible memories.

We are investing in a secret store of love.

I had a nasty dream last night, in which something unpleasant happened to our baby. I awoke to realize it was symbolic of hidden fears I have of not being able to be the mother I want to be or that my baby needs me to be--fear of neglecting our baby unknowingly or not knowing how to be a good parent.

I know that it's common for pregnant women to have bizarre and disturbing dreams, and in some ways it's helpful to realize that in the midst of the excitement, the joy, the elated anticipation, there is also trepidation. Knowing what my fears are will help me to address them and better prepare for the arrival of this person, this new life, this new way of life.

Thank God for a gestation period of nine months! Beyond the material preparations of baby clothes and furniture, the inner preparation that needs to take place is not insignificant!

A woman from church told me that becoming a Mother is a profound opportunity to identify with Christ in giving your life up for the sake of another, although the transition into such total giving can come as a shock if you are not prepared for this.

I realize I need to do some inner nesting, some sweeping of the floor of my heart, rearranging the furniture of my mind, furnishing my soul with the things I will need to give myself in this way, to be an unrestricted channel of Love to the person being given into my care. I may need to sort through some junk in my attic and get rid of it...

The Father Chimes In

2006-10-30T00:03:00.000-05:00

I believe we are now at 22 weeks. It is hard to believe Cheryl has been pregnant for that long already. The times has rushed past and I'm struggling to lay hold of it.

This baby is from God. This is a person who did not exist 23 weeks ago and now this person is stirring my wife's abdomen in an increasingly animated fashion. This person, whose diapers I will change, to whom I will sing songs, to whom I will read and with whom I will walk and grow on this earth, bears the image and the glory of God - and God has granted that this unworthy servant should be blessed with such a gift. Glory to God.

Yesterday, Cheryl and I were lying in bed and the baby was absolutely motoring around inside her. One side of her stomach would suddenly rise and fall, then the other side and sometimes it looked like a quick wave would pass from one side of her abdomen to the other. How I felt it! Tiny hands pushing and little feet stretching and a head pushing on Cheryl's bladder. I can't imagine what it must be like for a woman to experience another human being shuffling around on the inside of the body.

I look forward to meeting the little person.

Twenty Weeks--Halfway!

2006-10-17T12:48:00.000-04:00

Definitely Feeling Movement!

2006-10-12T21:52:00.000-04:00

At 19 1/2 weeks my baby is supposed to be the length of a small zucchini, at 6 inches and 8 1/2 ounces. I have been remiss these last few weeks and failed to document the stages of Large Onion and Large Sweet Potato. So here is a visual aid for the last few weeks development:

We're going to have our ultrasound on Monday. We'll be telling the technicians that we really want to be surprised with the gender... although we won't be able to prevent our baby from making a show if the little one decides to. Maybe we can arrange with them to warn us not to look if there's something to see. I wonder if that would really work...

I have definitely been feeling movement this week. It's been gradually increasing the last two weeks from faint flutters, to vague bubbly feelings, to light plops, to miniature bumps.

Last night I had not taken my morning sickness medication, to see if I could do without. I had been in bed for about a half hour talking to Matthew when suddenly I knew: I had to get to the bathroom fast. I spent a good 5 intimate minutes with that toilet bowl, and my stomach muscles got more exercise than they needed to relieve me of my contents.

When I got back to bed I realized all that heaving must have stirred things up a bit for the kumquat--I was feeling mini poke after mini poke, plop after plop. I lay there a little while with my hand on my belly. I tried feeling for firmness to see where the baby might be sitting, and when I pushed a little I got a tiny little split-second push in the same spot a moment later! I tried it again in a different spot...and a moment later got a slight bump again right where I had pressed my fingers. It almost felt like a little bit of protest for all the kaffuffle, but I couldn't resist trying again and again as the little one and I exchanged our first conversation.

The personhood, the real existence of the little human I am carrying is becoming more and more vivid for me. I find myself getting little belly-hill flutters of excitement and anticipation when I look down at my expanding abdomen and think about the day we will meet.

My pregnancy is moving out of the realm of the theoretical and more and more into the realm of the existential present lived embodied immediate HERE AND NOW. Wow.

What a mystery! What a miracle!

And I'm not even cheesing myself out by saying that.

I AM, however, cheesing myself out in this picture:

We were at the Research Farm in Morden taking family portraits with Matthew's parents, and he and I were goofing around. I was already showing a bit so we thought we'd take a "pregnant shot." I don't actually look very pregnant at ALLin this picture, but I do look (as Momma Z. so aptly put it) like I'm trying very hard to...

If you are my friend and you live in the neighbourhood and you have a digital camera and a way to upload the pictures PLEASE PLEASE volunteer your services.

Now that I have something that will actually show up in a photograph, I want to show you all my belly.

Matthew having a blast with his cousins' kids at a family gathering in Manitoba on Sunday

2006-09-22T00:17:00.000-04:00

The three legged race

Checking out the technology...

Acorn baseball: with a pop-bottle for a bat...

He's going to be a wonderful dad...

Sixteen and a half weeks

2006-09-21T16:47:00.000-04:00

Four and a half inches long now, and (in my unscientific opinion) about the size of a small mango.

We just got back from a lovely week long visit with Matthew's family Manitoba who were without exception warm and supportive about our expectancy--they threw us a shower! We came back with a bunch of baby clothes, blankets, a fuzzy little bunny, and a VERY COOL DIAPER BAG MADE OUT OF OLD SEATBELTS! A lady in Matthew's hometown makes them and his mom got it for us. Mine looks a lot like this one, only my blues are a bit greyer and my greys are a bit browner--if that makes any sense.
Click on the image to check out her website. She makes other kinds of bags and purses too. Did you know that diaper bags did not have to be in pastel colours? Or quilted? Or have bunnies or ducks on them? Or that they can be made from recycled materials? I'm pretty pleased, as you can tell.

In other news I had a resurgence of NVP (nausea and vomiting of pregnancy--the technical term since morning sickness isn't really accurate, especially the morning part) this week, probably because I've been fighting a nasty sinus bug and my body isn't happy with me.

I read birth stories on the plane ride home and found myself welling up constantly. I'm not usually this "moveable." They were all natural childbirth stories, and they make me feel good about giving birth, confident that my body is made for this seemingly impossible feat, filled with wonder, and a desire to prepare myself emotionally and spiritually, and almost, almost, an eagerness to take on the challenge! I must be crazy. It's all those hormones surging through my system.

I believe!

2006-09-11T20:41:00.000-04:00

We heard the baby's heartbeat today

nosebleeds, leg cramps and feeling beautiful

2006-09-11T09:48:00.000-04:00

Fifteen weeks pregnant today, and I'm going to meet my midwife this afternoon. I'm definitely showing now, and I've put on some weight in other parts of my body as well--lets just say the areas where women easily put on weight. I look at myself in the mirror and my body is completely different from what it has ever been before. Gone is the "I could still pass for a teenager" look. I feel like a WOMAN. And I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt before. Which is a really pleasant surprise. And Matthew agrees!

The baby should be around 4 inches long from head to bottom, and the legs are growing longer than the arms. 4 inches. Would that be about the size of an avacado? Sure!

I am starting a new job which will not involve shift work anymore, and will be less hours. I have been finding it very difficult to take proper care of myself while working this last while--not getting enough sleep, not having enought time on shift to eat and drink enough, and having too erratic a schedule to be very consistent with my vitamins. Working so hard has sometimes made it difficult to remember that I am pregnant and in my exhaustion I have sometimes felt out of touch with the fact that there is a baby in my womb, and I have felt like a neglectful mother. I'm excited to have a more sane lifestyle and I'm already starting to "feel" more pregnant--more aware of what's happening.

I read that around this time I may be experiencing some nosebleeds and legcramps. Well, I've had about 5 nosebleeds in the last three weeks, but I had no idea they were connected to pregnancy. Something to do with hormones causing dryness, and more pressure on bloodvessels. And last night at 4 AM I had my first leg cramp! I woke up to intense surprising pain in my calf and I cried out in pain in a strange pinched whimper that must have made the neighbours think a dog was dying a painful death in the alley. Poor Matthew woke up and rubbed my calf for me and I went back to sleep. The leg cramp woke me up from a dream about irrigation as a way to purify water.....

Another thing that has helped me become more aware has been the positive birth stories I've been reading. I'm discovering how helpful it can be to read positive birth stories. No horror stories, please. I'm starting actually to feel excited about labour and birth, and not afraid. Which is good, because apparently your attitude going in has a lot of influence on how you experience the pain and how cooperative your body is in helping the baby come out. Some women actually experience very little pain and have a euphoric, literally ecstatic, experience at birth. Interestingly, these experiences are all reported by women who did not have medical interventions like induction, epidural, and episiotomy. They went into birth with confidence and surrender, were surrounded by love and encouragement during the process, and experienced the contractions as waves of energy to "flow with" rather than as "cramps" to "endure". Very interesting. The book I'm reading is "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" by Ina May Gaskin. It's fascinating and I'm finding it very helpful in mentally preparing myself for all the things to come.

It's a whole new world.

trouser buttons, other babies, jumbo shrimp and names

2006-09-04T11:05:00.000-04:00

I'm officially 14 weeks pregnant today, and have officially entered the 2nd trimester with 1 pair of maternity jeans (already in use), 1 pair of black maternity slacks (too roomy yet), 1 maternity skirt, and 2 shirts. Mostly I'm wearing my old clothes, but I have to leave the top button (or two) of most of my jeans undone. I've resorted to wearing shawls and scarves around my waist! I'm definitely sticking out. I hope to post pictures soon!

Matthew and I have finally started talking about names. But I'm being very cruel, because I'm not going to tell you our ideas. Best kept secret until the little one can confirm by his or her presence whether it's the right name.

Our good friends Deacon Greg and Taesia just had their fourth and they were still not agreed on a boys name. They had a few different ideas, but the most prominent was John. Then their little boy was born. And Taesia still wasn't sure about John. And she looked at him and said: "Greg, look! He's an Alexander!!" (a name that wasn't on their list at all) and Greg looked and saw, that yes, indeed, this baby was an Alexander. So Alexander John Jacob Pines Scratch he is.

And we'll have to be prepared for our baby to tell us in the same way the name that is right. But we still have ideas.

All these little things...making lists of names, buying maternity clothes...all outward tangible signs of a mysterious reality that is somehow taking place inside my middle. It's so difficult to fathom, I jump at every little reminder to confirm its truth--whether it's a little more roundness to my belly, having a doctor's appointment, or even the bout of morning-sickness I had this morning.

Every newborn baby I see, at church, on the announcements from friends back in BC, stirs in me a new tenderness. It's not that I want to hold the baby--although I've always liked holding babies and sought the opportunity, but there's something different now. I'm less interested in the other babies, and at the same time more filled with wonder at them. And I do want to hold them--be near them to see the reality, to be reminded of what I will be holding in my arms in March that will not be someone else's baby, but my own. Both a wonderful and a terrifying thought.

In case anyone is interested in the trivia: my baby should be roughly the size of a lemon now. I didn't bother to tell you at 13 weeks, because the website I was consulting for average fruit sizes departed from the fruit theme for some strange reason and likened the growing foetus at 13 weeks to a JUMBO SHRIMP! I wasn't nearly as impressed by that mental pictures as I was previously by raspberry, kumquat, or fig. And I certainly wasn't going to post a picture!

The little Kumquat is now 3 1/2 inches long from head to bottom, and is supposedly moving around and able to make facial expressions. Everything is developed, and now mostly just needs to grow in size... For perspective, the hands and feet are supposed to be about 1/2 inch long each. Can you imagine?

Lemons and Limes

2006-08-23T09:52:00.000-04:00

Twelve Weeks this past Monday! Our baby is now probably the size of a lime! Or a very large Kumquat. Always our little kumquat.

Check out this page if you want to find out how far along the development is at this stage...

From Raspberry to Fig

2006-08-16T15:54:00.000-04:00

Today Matthew bought a couple of figs at the produce store. This is in honour of the growth of the little one in my womb, with whom I am now 11 weeks pregnant! The average size of a foetus at 11 weeks is approximate to a small fig! Last week it was approximate to a small kumquat; a while ago it was a raspberry. Not knowing whether this will be a little she, or a little he, we have taken to referring to this emerging person as our little raspberry or kumquat, as the size may be...

But I think that kumquat may have stuck.

Our baby's fingers and toes are fully formed...nails are beginning to grow and bones beginning to harden. I can hardly contain my excitement. Especially since, just in the last few days, my belly has been looking rather rounded, and not at all in a flabby sort of way. It is a quite firm kind of roundness!