Five months...and I just keep stretching...

Just in the last two weeks I find myself talking to our child more and more... Especially when I can feel movement--or as Matthew calls it-- "wombvement," I find myself responding, "hello baby!"

"What are you doing in there?"

Matthew just read that the bones of the inner ear have hardened by now and the baby is now able to hear a lot more sounds from outside the womb.

It's crazy to think that our voices will be familiar to the baby, that we each experienced that same familiarity when we heard the voice of our mother or father moments after birth. And yet we have no memories from inside the womb.

"I hope you're having fun in there..."

"I sure can't wait to meet you"

There is a clear sense that we are giving something to our baby in speaking loving words, being around music, applying pressure to my abdomen in response to the little kicks and jabs that feels so much like a converstaion... Whatever we do we will never know the benefits our child will reap from this time of invisibility--invisible baby, invisible memories.

We are investing in a secret store of love.


I had a nasty dream last night, in which something unpleasant happened to our baby. I awoke to realize it was symbolic of hidden fears I have of not being able to be the mother I want to be or that my baby needs me to be--fear of neglecting our baby unknowingly or not knowing how to be a good parent.

I know that it's common for pregnant women to have bizarre and disturbing dreams, and in some ways it's helpful to realize that in the midst of the excitement, the joy, the elated anticipation, there is also trepidation. Knowing what my fears are will help me to address them and better prepare for the arrival of this person, this new life, this new way of life.

Thank God for a gestation period of nine months! Beyond the material preparations of baby clothes and furniture, the inner preparation that needs to take place is not insignificant!

A woman from church told me that becoming a Mother is a profound opportunity to identify with Christ in giving your life up for the sake of another, although the transition into such total giving can come as a shock if you are not prepared for this.

I realize I need to do some inner nesting, some sweeping of the floor of my heart, rearranging the furniture of my mind, furnishing my soul with the things I will need to give myself in this way, to be an unrestricted channel of Love to the person being given into my care. I may need to sort through some junk in my attic and get rid of it...

The Father Chimes In

I believe we are now at 22 weeks. It is hard to believe Cheryl has been pregnant for that long already. The times has rushed past and I'm struggling to lay hold of it.

This baby is from God. This is a person who did not exist 23 weeks ago and now this person is stirring my wife's abdomen in an increasingly animated fashion. This person, whose diapers I will change, to whom I will sing songs, to whom I will read and with whom I will walk and grow on this earth, bears the image and the glory of God - and God has granted that this unworthy servant should be blessed with such a gift. Glory to God.

Yesterday, Cheryl and I were lying in bed and the baby was absolutely motoring around inside her. One side of her stomach would suddenly rise and fall, then the other side and sometimes it looked like a quick wave would pass from one side of her abdomen to the other. How I felt it! Tiny hands pushing and little feet stretching and a head pushing on Cheryl's bladder. I can't imagine what it must be like for a woman to experience another human being shuffling around on the inside of the body.

I look forward to meeting the little person.

Twenty Weeks--Halfway!

Definitely Feeling Movement!

At 19 1/2 weeks my baby is supposed to be the length of a small zucchini, at 6 inches and 8 1/2 ounces. I have been remiss these last few weeks and failed to document the stages of Large Onion and Large Sweet Potato. So here is a visual aid for the last few weeks development:












We're going to have our ultrasound on Monday. We'll be telling the technicians that we really want to be surprised with the gender... although we won't be able to prevent our baby from making a show if the little one decides to. Maybe we can arrange with them to warn us not to look if there's something to see. I wonder if that would really work...


I have definitely been feeling movement this week. It's been gradually increasing the last two weeks from faint flutters, to vague bubbly feelings, to light plops, to miniature bumps.

Last night I had not taken my morning sickness medication, to see if I could do without. I had been in bed for about a half hour talking to Matthew when suddenly I knew: I had to get to the bathroom fast. I spent a good 5 intimate minutes with that toilet bowl, and my stomach muscles got more exercise than they needed to relieve me of my contents.

When I got back to bed I realized all that heaving must have stirred things up a bit for the kumquat--I was feeling mini poke after mini poke, plop after plop. I lay there a little while with my hand on my belly. I tried feeling for firmness to see where the baby might be sitting, and when I pushed a little I got a tiny little split-second push in the same spot a moment later! I tried it again in a different spot...and a moment later got a slight bump again right where I had pressed my fingers. It almost felt like a little bit of protest for all the kaffuffle, but I couldn't resist trying again and again as the little one and I exchanged our first conversation.

The personhood, the real existence of the little human I am carrying is becoming more and more vivid for me. I find myself getting little belly-hill flutters of excitement and anticipation when I look down at my expanding abdomen and think about the day we will meet.

My pregnancy is moving out of the realm of the theoretical and more and more into the realm of the existential present lived embodied immediate HERE AND NOW. Wow.

What a mystery! What a miracle!


And I'm not even cheesing myself out by saying that.

I AM, however, cheesing myself out in this picture:

We were at the Research Farm in Morden taking family portraits with Matthew's parents, and he and I were goofing around. I was already showing a bit so we thought we'd take a "pregnant shot." I don't actually look very pregnant at ALLin this picture, but I do look (as Momma Z. so aptly put it) like I'm trying very hard to...

If you are my friend and you live in the neighbourhood and you have a digital camera and a way to upload the pictures PLEASE PLEASE volunteer your services.


Now that I have something that will actually show up in a photograph, I want to show you all my belly.

Matthew having a blast with his cousins' kids at a family gathering in Manitoba on Sunday

The three legged race

Checking out the technology...



















Acorn baseball: with a pop-bottle for a bat...















He's going to be a wonderful dad...

Sixteen and a half weeks

Four and a half inches long now, and (in my unscientific opinion) about the size of a small mango.

We just got back from a lovely week long visit with Matthew's family Manitoba who were without exception warm and supportive about our expectancy--they threw us a shower! We came back with a bunch of baby clothes, blankets, a fuzzy little bunny, and a VERY COOL DIAPER BAG MADE OUT OF OLD SEATBELTS! A lady in Matthew's hometown makes them and his mom got it for us. Mine looks a lot like this one, only my blues are a bit greyer and my greys are a bit browner--if that makes any sense.
Click on the image to check out her website. She makes other kinds of bags and purses too. Did you know that diaper bags did not have to be in pastel colours? Or quilted? Or have bunnies or ducks on them? Or that they can be made from recycled materials? I'm pretty pleased, as you can tell.

In other news I had a resurgence of NVP (nausea and vomiting of pregnancy--the technical term since morning sickness isn't really accurate, especially the morning part) this week, probably because I've been fighting a nasty sinus bug and my body isn't happy with me.

I read birth stories on the plane ride home and found myself welling up constantly. I'm not usually this "moveable." They were all natural childbirth stories, and they make me feel good about giving birth, confident that my body is made for this seemingly impossible feat, filled with wonder, and a desire to prepare myself emotionally and spiritually, and almost, almost, an eagerness to take on the challenge! I must be crazy. It's all those hormones surging through my system.

I believe!

We heard the baby's heartbeat today

nosebleeds, leg cramps and feeling beautiful

Fifteen weeks pregnant today, and I'm going to meet my midwife this afternoon. I'm definitely showing now, and I've put on some weight in other parts of my body as well--lets just say the areas where women easily put on weight. I look at myself in the mirror and my body is completely different from what it has ever been before. Gone is the "I could still pass for a teenager" look. I feel like a WOMAN. And I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt before. Which is a really pleasant surprise. And Matthew agrees!

The baby should be around 4 inches long from head to bottom, and the legs are growing longer than the arms. 4 inches. Would that be about the size of an avacado? Sure!

I am starting a new job which will not involve shift work anymore, and will be less hours. I have been finding it very difficult to take proper care of myself while working this last while--not getting enough sleep, not having enought time on shift to eat and drink enough, and having too erratic a schedule to be very consistent with my vitamins. Working so hard has sometimes made it difficult to remember that I am pregnant and in my exhaustion I have sometimes felt out of touch with the fact that there is a baby in my womb, and I have felt like a neglectful mother. I'm excited to have a more sane lifestyle and I'm already starting to "feel" more pregnant--more aware of what's happening.

I read that around this time I may be experiencing some nosebleeds and legcramps. Well, I've had about 5 nosebleeds in the last three weeks, but I had no idea they were connected to pregnancy. Something to do with hormones causing dryness, and more pressure on bloodvessels. And last night at 4 AM I had my first leg cramp! I woke up to intense surprising pain in my calf and I cried out in pain in a strange pinched whimper that must have made the neighbours think a dog was dying a painful death in the alley. Poor Matthew woke up and rubbed my calf for me and I went back to sleep. The leg cramp woke me up from a dream about irrigation as a way to purify water.....

Another thing that has helped me become more aware has been the positive birth stories I've been reading. I'm discovering how helpful it can be to read positive birth stories. No horror stories, please. I'm starting actually to feel excited about labour and birth, and not afraid. Which is good, because apparently your attitude going in has a lot of influence on how you experience the pain and how cooperative your body is in helping the baby come out. Some women actually experience very little pain and have a euphoric, literally ecstatic, experience at birth. Interestingly, these experiences are all reported by women who did not have medical interventions like induction, epidural, and episiotomy. They went into birth with confidence and surrender, were surrounded by love and encouragement during the process, and experienced the contractions as waves of energy to "flow with" rather than as "cramps" to "endure". Very interesting. The book I'm reading is "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" by Ina May Gaskin. It's fascinating and I'm finding it very helpful in mentally preparing myself for all the things to come.



It's a whole new world.

trouser buttons, other babies, jumbo shrimp and names

I'm officially 14 weeks pregnant today, and have officially entered the 2nd trimester with 1 pair of maternity jeans (already in use), 1 pair of black maternity slacks (too roomy yet), 1 maternity skirt, and 2 shirts. Mostly I'm wearing my old clothes, but I have to leave the top button (or two) of most of my jeans undone. I've resorted to wearing shawls and scarves around my waist! I'm definitely sticking out. I hope to post pictures soon!

Matthew and I have finally started talking about names. But I'm being very cruel, because I'm not going to tell you our ideas. Best kept secret until the little one can confirm by his or her presence whether it's the right name.

Our good friends Deacon Greg and Taesia just had their fourth and they were still not agreed on a boys name. They had a few different ideas, but the most prominent was John. Then their little boy was born. And Taesia still wasn't sure about John. And she looked at him and said: "Greg, look! He's an Alexander!!" (a name that wasn't on their list at all) and Greg looked and saw, that yes, indeed, this baby was an Alexander. So Alexander John Jacob Pines Scratch he is.

And we'll have to be prepared for our baby to tell us in the same way the name that is right. But we still have ideas.

All these little things...making lists of names, buying maternity clothes...all outward tangible signs of a mysterious reality that is somehow taking place inside my middle. It's so difficult to fathom, I jump at every little reminder to confirm its truth--whether it's a little more roundness to my belly, having a doctor's appointment, or even the bout of morning-sickness I had this morning.

Every newborn baby I see, at church, on the announcements from friends back in BC, stirs in me a new tenderness. It's not that I want to hold the baby--although I've always liked holding babies and sought the opportunity, but there's something different now. I'm less interested in the other babies, and at the same time more filled with wonder at them. And I do want to hold them--be near them to see the reality, to be reminded of what I will be holding in my arms in March that will not be someone else's baby, but my own. Both a wonderful and a terrifying thought.

In case anyone is interested in the trivia: my baby should be roughly the size of a lemon now. I didn't bother to tell you at 13 weeks, because the website I was consulting for average fruit sizes departed from the fruit theme for some strange reason and likened the growing foetus at 13 weeks to a JUMBO SHRIMP! I wasn't nearly as impressed by that mental pictures as I was previously by raspberry, kumquat, or fig. And I certainly wasn't going to post a picture!

The little Kumquat is now 3 1/2 inches long from head to bottom, and is supposedly moving around and able to make facial expressions. Everything is developed, and now mostly just needs to grow in size... For perspective, the hands and feet are supposed to be about 1/2 inch long each. Can you imagine?

Lemons and Limes

Twelve Weeks this past Monday! Our baby is now probably the size of a lime! Or a very large Kumquat. Always our little kumquat.

Check out this page if you want to find out how far along the development is at this stage...

From Raspberry to Fig

Today Matthew bought a couple of figs at the produce store. This is in honour of the growth of the little one in my womb, with whom I am now 11 weeks pregnant! The average size of a foetus at 11 weeks is approximate to a small fig! Last week it was approximate to a small kumquat; a while ago it was a raspberry. Not knowing whether this will be a little she, or a little he, we have taken to referring to this emerging person as our little raspberry or kumquat, as the size may be...


But I think that kumquat may have stuck.















Our baby's fingers and toes are fully formed...nails are beginning to grow and bones beginning to harden. I can hardly contain my excitement. Especially since, just in the last few days, my belly has been looking rather rounded, and not at all in a flabby sort of way. It is a quite firm kind of roundness!